The pitfalls of being a people pleaser
I lived for most of my life thinking my sole purpose was to make other people happy.
Blame it on trauma or my big heart. Either way, at this point, I’ve been to enough therapy to come to some pretty good conclusions on why this isn’t the best way to live.
Happiness is your responsibility
Responsibility? Another one? No thanks. I know. But the thing about being responsible for something usually means you have the ability to change its outcomes.
Everyone has their own life — we all have one of our very own.
Everyone you meet? They have their own set of tools, resources, and grey matter floating around their brains. Just like you do.
I know. To the average person, you may be thinking “great observation, Hannah,” but as a people pleaser, our reality is that we exist to give up our lives for others.
Not necessarily because we are sanctimonious people, but usually because making others happy is a coping mechanism we learned early on to avoid conflict or to feel safe.
The internal, typically subconscious dialogue goes something like this: If I agree, comply, shrink myself enough to where my needs are almost invisible, maybe I can remain safe from criticism, unfair blame, unwarranted arguments, name-calling, etc.
One day I realized just how much autonomy I have. I realized there are other ways to live than by someone else's schedule.
I also realized how much autonomy others have at finding their own happiness. I wasn’t allowing others to figure things out for themselves, and I also wasn’t allowing myself to listen to my own needs and solve my own problems.
My schedule was full of fixing things for others.
They have the means to change their life and attitude and present situation just as well as I could do it for them.
They were equally as capable. They always had been — always will be.
Dealing with just me is a lot to handle. Just think of all the things YOU are personally responsible for. Now multiply that times 1,000. That’s a lot to worry about. That is a lot to stress over.
It is a heartwarming and fulfilling option to add to your life but it doesn’t have to be your vice.
Now, if you’re a parent or caregiver, you can take this advice with a grain of salt. I am not saying you should forego your loved ones and “do you” all the time. This article is for those of us who have unhealthy, unchecked codependency for others. If you are a parent or caregiver or manager, etc and you find any of this useful… awesome!
But if you’re mad at me for not understanding, I get that there are a billion mini-factors that can influence our decisions each day. This isn’t the cure-all for those types of responsibilities. But, if I find it, I will let you know.
The main quest and the side quest
It’s like in video games where you have quests to complete. Others' happiness is merely a side quest if you choose to take on the role. Clearly, some people don’t bother supplementing others' happiness (we all know who I am talking about).
But if you have the resources, energy, and desire, you can take on those side quests. I am not condoning being an outright jerk to everyone. Rather, I just want you to know that your purpose lies outside of appeasing others, and should you feel well enough with your boundaries and resources to go out of your way for others, you can.
The Puppy Metaphor
Imagine you have a pet (or if you actually have a pet, call them to mind for a moment). Imagine your friend also has a pet. Now, imagine if you gave all of your doggie's food to your friend's dog. You walk your friend's dog, but not your own. You spend time caring for and getting to know your friend’s dog, while your sweet puppy was at home waiting for you to come around.
Sad, uncomfortable, unimaginable, right? Just writing that made me sad. Now think of your puppy as your happiness.
You would never in a million years do this to your sweet, beloved pet. They need you. But yet, if you’re like me, you do it every day with your own happiness. Your dog (happiness) is just as important as attention and care as anyone else’s. And like I mentioned before, they have the autonomy to care for their dog — er, happiness. So you can lay off on taking their dog for so. many. walks.
Carve out time to care for yourself. You need you.
You are just as important as anyone else.
I’ve said it before in other writings, but if everyone else is looking out for themselves and you are ALSO looking out for them, who is looking out for you? No one. All backs are turned on your happiness if you don’t watch over it yourself.
You have an extraordinary and exciting life to live. Don’t fall asleep at the wheel, don’t hand the keys to someone else, and do your best to look after yourself, first. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
